Christian Mafia

The number one rule of Christian Mafia is that there is no Christian Mafia.

...but, hypothetically, if there was a Christian Mafia, which I'm not saying there is one, this is what it would look like:

Upon entering a church or Christian event, there would be someone by the door. They usually say hello or tell you how great it is to be in the house of The Lord, looking to see how you respond. If you respond incorrectly, you're seated in a lousy spot, or just judged heavily as they point out a seat for you.

When you sit down, you'll know who is considered "in" based on their choice of clothes. If you don't fit in the majority's clothing type, sorry, you will be judged.

There will be a plate passed, and you'd better put money in it. That man at the end of the aisle is watching you. He might rattle that plate a little. Pus, what good is a $20 when you have way more in your wallet? After all, it'd be a shame if something were to happen to your vehicle, which you unfortunately parked in visitor parking.

You have to stand up and sing songs with these people, songs you either don't like or don't know. It will be apparent to others that you don't know them. You will be judged. When they stop the music, switch songs, and ask you to shake hands, you'd best start shaking hands, even if you know good and well that you don't want to. Otherwise, you'll be judged.

When you see the preacher take the pulpit, be prepared for him looking directly at you and telling you you're going to Hell. Although no preacher would admit to it, many naturally look for the sinner in the pews to preach to. This is the worst feeling of being judged.

By now, you're probably wondering what church this is, and maybe even why any sane person would go to a church that had a mafia. This is what the outsiders see. For those of you that grew up in church, outsiders (like I used to be) see church as an institution full of people who are out to get them and make them stop drinking, cussing, and prevent them from having a good time.

As Christians, we can't come across like some sort of organized crime ring that is to be intimidated. Instead, we must convey the love of Christ in everything we do. If we don't, we might as well threaten newcomers and tell them to start tithing as "protection money." Keep this in mind the next time you want a newcomer to feel welcome, or feel the urge to witness to someone you're never met before.

Your Brother in Christ,
Phillip Gatlin
aka The Gat
aka Philbilly
Aka The Christ-Following Hobbit